Today I realized something that hit deep, and at the same time has set me free. Let me just start by saying that I love how Life is guiding me, bringing me exactly where I should be at every moment with such ease and grace. From the moment I truly allowed myself to be guided, and listen to the nudges within, I was always lead to learning my lessons, to understanding what I am now ready to perceive, understand and face. It’s like Life has taken me by the hand and is guiding me step by step to each and every thing, as it is time for me to face each of them, knowing exactly what I’m ready to see, accept, love and heal about myself and others.
This nudges are so gentle and soft that it’s so easy to ignore them… and sometime I question them, or myself… what I understood. What if I should be doing something else, my mind is saying. But every time, without fail, I get to learn why I felt like doing that thing I was doing, why it was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. This increased the trust that I am actually doing the right thing, bit by bit, helping me to trust myself more and more, and to allow myself to do exactly what I feel like doing, as “wrong” as it might seem to my mind sometimes. Because it had never lead me astray.
I discovered a while ago that I am called to watch certain movies or series I ignored until then, or simply didn’t feel like watching, because it’s time for me to learn a lesson from them. Lately, instead of watching movies, I felt like reading again. I used to be an avid reader as a teen, but somehow not so much since becoming an adult. The second I started reading again, I realized that every book I have been drawn to was showing me a message, a lesson, guiding me in seeing yet another part of myself I didn’t want to see or didn’t know was there. It spoke to another pain or wound deep within me. Now, I was drawn to a book, a series actually, that unfolded in a way I haven’t seen before and which hit home in a way I never expected it to.
After falling in love, and almost dying for the man she loved, the heroine, who went through hell and back, was no longer who she used to be when she first met him. She no longer needed the same things, and he not only seem not to notice it, but he simply couldn’t give her what she needed, even if he did. She was helped by his sworn enemy, who understood her and helped her put herself back together, and slowly fell in love with him.
The story is much complicated than this, of course. Many things happened – her former lover did not take it well, and slowly became the villain in her story. But at the end of it, when he finally realized the love they had for each other, he helped them and simply told her “be happy”. What broke something inside of me was the moment she told him “Thank you for everything! I hope you find your happiness, too!”.
Reading this, I started crying, because I always knew, deep down, that this is what I wish for my ex-husband. That I truly wish for him to find his happiness! But there was always the next part “just not with her”. Not with the woman who did everything in her power to break us apart. This time though, for the first time in so long, I could add “even with her!”. Because I remembered another moment from the book, which clicked for me from the moment I read it. Her former lover’s best friend, after hearing her whole story, told her “I never realized that I am the villain in your story!”.
Somehow, in that moment, it clicked. I told myself that, in the end, maybe I was the villain in his story. I was the one who stood between him and her. Who prevented him from having what he wanted. I knew he wanted both of us, but for me, that was not an option. It never was. I knew for sure that I am the villain in her story, I always was. When no matter what she did, she still couldn’t get him to leave me. I was the one who stood between her and what she wanted. I resented her so much for what she did, but for years now, I knew that she did me a favor. Pushed me so much that I finally had to say enough! In a way, that set me free. Make me realize that our relationship was over before she came along. We just couldn’t admit it to each other because of how much we truly loved each other.
In the end, she did us a favor, because I was no longer who I used to be and neither was he. We were no longer what each of us needed, but couldn’t see or accept this. Before today, before I faced all of the parts of myself who were still wounded, who still resented them, but mostly her, and showed them the highest truth about it all, facing also my shortcomings and how much it all helped me become this amazing woman I always knew I could be, I could not accept the thought, I could not wish him happiness with her. That all changed after this. That’s how powerful inner work is! So there it is, I can now say it from alignment, from my heart: “I wish you well, Cip! I always did! I hope you find your happiness and peace, with whoever it might be!”.
Looking at it all now, I feel peace and understanding. I feel like we all had to go through this nightmare, this hell – at least for me, to learn our lessons, to grow. I for one, am grateful for it. Because I never would have been the woman I am now, if not for this. This dark night of the soul has been one of my biggest blessings. It took a lot of courage, perseverance and determination to face it all head on. To go through it, instead of running from it. To face, and heal my wounds, my scars, my shadows. But this is what brought the light to the surface, and more than that, my true essence. It’s what helped me remember and discover who I truly am, learn how to love myself and fulfill my own needs. I remember even now the moment I knew I was done. I told myself “I love him so much, but you know what, I love myself even more!”. That was the moment it all changed.
Looking at myself now, I am so proud of who I am, who I became and who I know I will become. And, guess what? They were the catalyst. If there’s one thing I learned in all of this is that Life is not happening to me, is happening for me. We can either be the victim and stay powerless & enraged, or we can change our perspective, see how this horrible situation is helping us, and become stronger because of it, become empowered. It’s a choice we have to make each and every day, with every unwanted thing that is happening. What are you choosing? Are you shifting your perspective to see the blessing in disguise?
I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have a personal story of transformation to share? Do you see yourself as the villain in someone’s story? Have you embraced the role of the hero in your own tale? Leave a comment below and let’s start a conversation.
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